THE LOSS AND AFTERMATH OF LOSS

ABBA AND AMMA <3

Hello lovely people! In this my birthday month ideally you guys should send me gifts but its the other way around, before starting a new year of my life i have a gift for you all from my side. So yeah, this is  something very personal, a very special thing that I am going to share today here on my blog . You might have seen two-faced people, I am one of them! Surprised? Well, it’ll be clear by the end of the blog, so let's quickly jump into the story behind this two-faced girl. It’s going to be really long, so bear with it people.

I am Ayesha Raza going to tell you about ASHI. See there is something fishy in the name too:D Well, guys as the youngest child of her family Ashi got immense love from both the maternal and the paternal side. She was stubborn, full of life and energetic child, and in any gathering, she was special for that gathering. From grade 1 she started making best friends. Life went on from having fun fights over remote controllers, with the younger brother, to waking up on elder brothers single call in Ramadan, that's  how she grew. She was not so close to her parents, but had a really good relation with them. Life was just perfect! She was crazy about getting into a medical college and her father had the same wish, But Amma was always in doubt since Ashi was very ignorant when it came to studying, Amma be like ’MUSHKIL HEIN JO HALAT HEIN TERE’: D

Life went on and Ashi got into matric. One day Amma and Abba went to bazaar, it was Friday, so as they came back  ashi was still in her bed sleeping:D you guys can guess Amma’s reaction, but Abba was chill and told me that i have two wishes before I die, First seeing you becoming a doctor and seeing my elder brother who was in Sweden at that time, getting married. Ashi said IN SHAA ALLAH both the wishes will come true.

It was a cold January Monday morning; Abba had a habit of having breakfast after Fajar. Ashi got annoyed because of constant noise from talking and the light coming in her room. She was very enthusiastic about school that day because her best friend Fatima was getting head girl post. Ashi asked her parents to slow down the volume but when nothing happened, she got up and saw that Abba was not well and complaining about chest pain and inconvenient breathing. Alhamdulillah the younger brother was in town because of his semester break. Elder cousin came, Amma, Bhai and Abba left for the hospital. Abba emptied his pocket and gave everything to ashi. (Still have those things) A normal day started but I skipped school that day. Now when in the afternoon Ashi and her sister were going to the hospital to see abba before angiography, right at that instant they saw their Amma without dupatta on the head and brother holding her outside the house. Heart skipped a beat, and something that ashi never thought happening, happened. ABBA LEFT US. Life stopped for a moment. But literally for a moment. Ashi had exams in the coming month, she got no time to cry and had no time to grieve.

Fast forward. After fifteen days of Abba’s, death, Amma complained pain in between shoulders near left arm, We forgot about Abba and focused on amma's health. Doctor diagnosed that her muscles are stressed due to strain and tension. Pain was increasing day by day until Amma got admitted to a hospital. After so many tests Amma got diagnosed with TB. Treatment started, but the pain was not leaving, instead her condition got worse. Alhamdulillah elder brother came back from Sweden to look after everything. Doctors starting from January,  finally diagnosed Amma with a real disease called MULTIPLE MYELOMA in July. Initially, it was a secret between elder brother and elder sister, but eventually, we all got to know. Amma also knew, but we never talked about her diseased with her. Treatment began and she started getting better. Better enough that elder brother again left to complete his last semester. Besides all of this treatment continued. Moving to the April of the next year doctor changed the treatment, amma couldn't take that and again got admitted to the hospital and this time within a week, on Thursday amma got into coma and on the same day in front of me left us. I saw her dying. Her words before going into coma were to ashi "I am in pain". With amma’s death ashi died too.

The thing I never in my dreams thought of, was to lose parents, I guess no one can think of that right? So life seized there. After Amma’s death, I had a final first-year exam after 3 days. Again, grief was locked up. I've got the best siblings in the world, but the attention I needed at that young age was missing  and there was a huge communication gap between us, especially between me and my brothers. Even though I knew at that time too that they love me a lot but sometimes it's important to show love as well. Maybe the cause of this gap was that they were going through the same pain. But thinking of my family's pain I didn’t show my grief. But there's always one thing that i think of, that how can blood relations be so weak that the could not see the pain I was going through how devastated and alone I was.

Life moved on I started another chapter of life. Started preparing for medical college until I got into Faisalabad medical college, but sadly I couldn’t adjust there because it was very stressful and slowly I was going towards depression. Family pressured me a lot on continuing  because of my abba's wish, but I just couldn’t do that and took a decision on my own and came back. I still get mocked for that by the people I love but I really don’t care and never regret making that decision.

Now that I came back I only had a single chance to get into NUST. With all of that depression and physical illness my ALLAH gave me power and helped me out and guess what I got into NUST ALHAMDULILLAH. I wanted to start a normal life, but I just couldn't I made really good friends, but something inside me was missing and because of that

I noticed that people were going away from me they started avoiding me. I got scared because ashi is an attention seeker and is very sensitive. So after thinking quite alot I decided that let's be AYESHA RAZA, who's Ashi only in her room at night. During all this time the only thing which kept me going was prayer, my friends and good company. My sister got married, I was left alone and reality hit me hard. In the mean time my brother got married too, initially I was not so comfortable with bhabhi and she was not that talkative too, but eventually, things got better and today I am so satisfied that ALHAMDULILLAH she is a part of our family.

There are some very personal issues which I can't write here, but the aftermath of loss is harsher than the loss, that’s what I learned. But what is the secret that many of my close people don’t realize, the two-faced reality? It’s the art of pretending and an urge to help others, to listen to others that keep me going.

Lastly, the most important thing that happened with Ayesha and Ashi both, is something which I can't disclose but after that loss, ALLAH rewarded her with THE FEELING OF HIS PRESENCE. This RAMADAN when she was going through very tough time ALLAH helped  her throughout, talked to her, satisfied her heart on what she was doing. Allah rewarded her with the power of DUA :)

I'll finish off by saying that, YOU learn by YOU, that's what I learned. I faced times even I couldn’t tell my siblings and best friends of because sometimes, people don't understand what pain YOU are going through even if they have gone through the same loss. I am very pessimistic and I was very disheartened  by the fact that even my siblings couldn’t understand me and weren't there when I needed them the most. I am still an emotional, oversensitive girl, but I am learning how to control myself. People can only tell you what you should do but actually you have to decide what to do. Life has been very hard in the previous year but I never gave up. I still believe that this hope of good days will be my strength to come up with big positive change InshaALLAH. So whatever happens never give up on yourself, guys?

THAT’S IT GUYS. All of you reading this, The purpose of this blog was not to gain any sympathy, but to point out a few important things, like caring for your parents at any cost, cutting off the communication gap between siblings because after your parents, the bond that you share with your siblings is what will keep you going, lastly, don’t look upon people for support and love, instead make a strong connection with ALLAH AND FEEL IT. Ayesha is a person very energetic, full of life always excited and always has a huge smile on her face. And ashi is still, very dependent on many people and mourning on every loss in her life but also she is gradually shifting that attachment towards ALLAH. She is still in the healing process, and trusts and hopes that one day sun will shine back again.

I hope this was not boring:D I could write so much more, but I don’t want to make you all sad. You guys, just know that hardships and trials are written above in the skies we have to find ways to cope with them. For me, I ultimately found ALLAH <3 and many other beautiful sincere people in this journey. Spread love and kindness guys. Never lose faith in DUA. I hope you enjoyed the story of the two-faced girl:D All of you who know AYESHA never let ashi come in between:P

Kthenksbye:)